Why do we call them “Difficult” Conversations? This practice makes no sense to me. I believe in the power of language. As a result, when we proactively label something as hard or undesirable and then wonder why people do not engage in the activity more often it seems foolhardy. We have already declared the task as, in this case, difficult.
STEP ONE. Quit calling them difficult conversations and start calling them meaningful conversations.
The next thing we need to do is to remember our why. In our house there is no way to enter without going up 15 stairs. I know . . . it is not always awesome. So, the typical practice in our house is to throw the garbage down the garage steps and then just take it to the outside receptacles whenever the next person enters the garage.
With teenage children, you see how this probably ends. If you cannot imagine, my boys stretch their baby giraffe legs over the trash bags (usually while looking at their phone) and then enter in their car. Each and every time, I call them back and utter the phrase, “We do not walk over work in this house.”
They return, complete the task and we are on about our business. I do this corrective process EVERY time because I want to raise respectful and responsible young men. I ALWAYS engage in this conversation.
The conversation is not hard or difficult, it is seldom emotional, and over time they have needed the conversation far less frequently as they have stopped ‘walking over work.’
My point in sharing this story is that when our WHY is greater than our WHY NOT or whatever excuse you have created for yourself – the conversation happens. In schools we have created all kinds of reasons to not engage in difficult conversations from loss of political capital to the ‘climate’ of the building.
Those are excuses, not reasons.
STEP TWO: Remember your why. Your why for having difficult conversations is that not only do your students deserve to have you have them, but so too do your amazing staff members that have been waiting on someone to lead.
I do certainly realize that these conversations may not be easy for many people. The truth of the matter is that when a conversation is designed to re-norm behavior that is not aligned with an organization’s values, vision, or goals there may well be angst, stress, and strife. This blog is not meant to minimize that nor is it to condemn anyone that feels these emotions when engaging in such conversations.
This, however, is when we must move from the emotional to the rational. Play out all of the scenarios. For instance, John is a terrible teammate. He is dismissive to the others on his team and does not follow the curriculum and assessments the rest of his team has collaboratively decided to use.
In this instance, if you do decide to engage in the conversation (good for you), the absolute worst case scenario is that the problematic behavior persists and the person you had the conversation with ‘likes’ you less. Said simply, John continues to be a bad teammate and thinks you are ‘mean’ or whatever.
Let’s stick with that last point for a second. If the person you have the conversation with is knowingly not following your expectations, is being a bad teammate, and is offended by you speaking to them about it, how much do you think they ‘liked’ you in the first place? What political capital did you really lose?
The best case scenario is that they change their behavior and see you as a leader with integrity for engaging on something that is meaningful to you. In fact, I have had many meaningful conversations that have actually improved my relationship with the person on the other side. It is possible to deploy empathy and understanding and still be firm and direct with future expectations. This does not have to be an either/or proposition.
Most likely – the response is in between. These conversations are not magic. But, we already know what happens if we do not intervene. That story has played itself out. In the instance we do not engage, there is only one possible ‘winner’ in the scenario.
That winner is not John. That person – is YOU!! By not engaging, you have deprived John of the opportunity to grow. You have not given him the opportunity to be a better teacher, teammate, and peer. As far as your win, at best it is fleeting and temporary as not engaging in such conversations will increase stress and strife over time. Problems do not magically disappear.
STEP THREE: Make no mistakes, about it – Not engaging in meaningful conversations when necessary is a SELFISH decision.
Once we have gotten through the internal and theoretical work – we still must have the conversations. So, below are a few practical tips that can help those that have trepidation surrounding these discussions execute them with more confidence.
· Engage on their turf – There are two simple reasons for this. First, if the person becomes emotional during the meeting, there is no ‘crying’ walk of shame. Second, when the conversation is over – you get to leave. Instead of an 8 minute meeting turning into an hour long meeting because they will not leave your office – you get to decide when it is over.
· Lose the small talk – Have you ever been on the other side of one of these conversations? When it is over, nobody cares that you asked them about their kids before you got into the meat of the conversation. Just jump in – and you do not need the ‘compliment sandwich’ either. I mean this sincerely – nobody remembers that. Just jump in.
· Be kind and ‘stay calm’ – Meaningful conversations are intended to change behavior. To change behavior, something new has to be learned or reinforced. High emotions do not allow for this type of significant learning. When emotions rise – the meeting is effectively over. Know this and try again at a later time.
· Expectation understanding – This is the most uncomfortable part of executing one of these conversations well. You MUST ensure that the other party is acutely aware of the expectation when they leave. For me, that means I have them repeat it to me. This is, after thousands of these conversations, still uncomfortable for me. While uncomfortable – this is a necessary component.
· Lead – These conversations mean nothing if you do not do two things. First, you must provide support for the growth you are demanding from the other person. Second, you must allow yourself to be open-minded and to let them have success. If you fail to do either of these two things – you are using accountability to demand performance from others while not holding yourself to a high enough standard.
The bottom line is that almost every leader I work with can quickly identify multiple conversations that they should have already had with someone they have the privilege of leading. The reasons for not engaging are varied, but none of them supersede the call to lead.
When in doubt – ENGAGE!
WHERE YOU CAN FIND ME
ON DEMAND – Manage Your Time or Time Will Manage You Book Study
ON DEMAND – Communications – MicroCredential Certification through Illinois Principals Association
MORE OF MY MUSINGS
Dr. Efrain Martinez and I chat around ‘The Journey’ of Leadership
A Keynote turned into a Podcast from IEI Spring Summit in Colorado
MCUSD Staff Room Podcast – End of Year Reflection
Transformative Principal with Jethro Jones (w/ Mike Lubelfeld and Nick Polyak)
Writing
Teach Better – Summer S.E.E.D.S
“There is the danger zone. As humans, we tend to be very good at relaxing. We tend to not be as good at recharging. There are significant neurological and biological reasons why, but I will try to not bore you with those details. The bottom line is that as much as staying up to 2am binging Netflix, eating pizza, and sampling craft beers sounds amazing, it is most likely NOT going to help you recharge. The good news is that we absolutely do know what will help you recharge if you choose to commit to these five steps to recharge your own battery”.
Edutopia – Leading with Integrity
“Every time you choose to avoid a difficult conversation, it is a selfish decision. Why? Because the only person who could possibly benefit from avoiding a difficult conversation is you. And that win is only emotional and temporary.”
ASCD – Four Must-Do’s For Empowered Principals
‘Vision—now and always—is the difference maker. Great principals can imagine a brighter future for their building, even in the midst of tribulation, that can bring energy and excitement to those they serve. If you cannot imagine education at large and your particular school as significantly better and different than it is in its current state, it is going to be hard to lead significant change.”
Thanks for taking the time to read this newsletter.
It would mean the world to me if you could share it with one person each week. We all get one chance to live a life of passion and purpose. Help me maximize my one at-bat.