I have a love/hate relationship with the Interest Based Bargaining (IBB) process. While the full description of my feelings about the process would be a much longer newsletter entry, today I want to focus on the most important thing I have learned from the training surrounding IBB – the concept of Three Truths. (Sidenote – the ladder of inference is a close second.)
The Three Truths are simple. In every scenario, relationship, or situation where you are dealing with more than one human being there are three truths at play.
- My truth
- Your truth
- The objective truth
While there are seemingly limitless things to take away from this simple concept, three come to light most often for me.
First and foremost, I visualize this as three circles. The goal in my head is to move this from a three circle Venn diagram to one large circle. This helps me to strategize and have conversations at a much more analytical level. To be abundantly clear, there are times when my truth or your truth IS the objective truth. However, what I have learned is that it is FAR from the absolute truth.
Next, the simple reminder that my truth is not always the objective truth is incredibly grounding for me mentally. It changes my perspective on things almost every time I feel myself wanting to react in an emotional manner. When I feel myself move from rational to emotional it is typically when someone is challenging something I hold as true. When I have the wherewithal to complete this mental exercise it universally allows me to be more creative in problem solving and act as a better leader, partner, or father.
Lastly, this aligns with my favorite Brene Brown-ism, “the story I am telling myself is . . .” This simple phrase is the ultimate diffuser of intense and emotional situations. Think of the difference in these two responses to a scenario where you find out someone may have withheld information from you and it caused an important meeting to go sideways and their likely outcomes:
- You are honest and direct and state, “I can no longer trust you because of the information you withheld which resulted in the meeting losing all effectiveness.”
- Before the conversation starts you conclude that your truth might not be the truth and start the conversation by stating, “The story I am telling myself right now is that you chose not to share information you had that would have supported the organization and would have helped me. I cannot understand why. Can you help me understand?”
In conversation one there is clearly no intent to problem solve in the scenario. The intent is to convey power and ensure the other person knows they have been ‘caught.’ In scenario two, by adhering to the principles of the Three Truths the conversation has the opportunity to go in limitless directions. It may end up in the same place as scenario one, but it may also end up in a place that actually leads to increased trust in the relationship.
Whenever possible, remind yourself of the three truths. It will change how you interact with others and will allow you to defuse potentially explosive situations.
REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS TO GUIDE SOME THINKING
- Think of your last argument with your partner or kids and reflect on what would have changed by using the phrase, “The story I am telling myself is . . . “?
- Do you have the humility to understand YOUR TRUTH is not always the objective truth? In particular, do you have the humility to do so in areas of particular importance or passion for you?
- How do you typically react when you learn a position or opinion you have held tightly may be the wrong position?
- Does your behavior typically indicate that you are more interested in being right or actually finding the right solution?
THE BEST THING I READ/WATCHED THIS WEEK
The Virgin Way by Richard Branson
This is not a life-changing book, but it is worth the read. I found particular value in his section on listening toward the beginning of the book. I also enjoyed the book because my disposition is so different from Branson’s that many sub elements of the book were almost foreign to me and/or my typical reactions to events or perspectives on leadership.
BLOG YOU SHOULD SUBSCRIBE TO
3/2/1
This blog is SOOOO good. I steal stuff from it all the time and at least two or three times per week something in the James Clear is a best-selling author and is most famous for his book Atomic Habits. To be honest, I thought the book was solid, not spectacular. However, I find his newsletter the exact opposite. I look forward to receiving it every week. I highly recommend subscribing to it.
WHERE YOU CAN FIND ME
ON DEMAND – Manage Your Time or Time Will Manage You Book Study
ON DEMAND – Communications – MicroCredential Certification through Illinois Principals Association
SPEAKING-CONSULTING-CONFERENCES
March 15
ILASCD – Culture is Everything, Everything is Culture
Still booking events for summer and Opening Keynotes in August
MORE OF MY MUSINGS
Pushing Boundaries Podcast Episode 78 – We Spray to All Fields on This One
Interesting Interview in which we spray to all fields – Personal, Leadership, Education.
Thruue – The Great Re-Negotiation
Honored to be a small part of the research on the future of work alongside giants in leadership such as General McChrystal and others.
Writing
EdWeek – Common Sense Ways to Improve Evaluative Practices
For an observation to carry true meaning, it should result in some type of debrief between the teacher and observer. This, of course, would ideally be a face-to-face conversation. If the goal is to improve teacher performance, then an observation should result in a reflective conversation of substance.
Teach Better Team – So, You Want to Write a Book
A longer blog detailing what prospective authors should be considering as they enter into a prolific, but seldom discussed industry.
Edutopia – How School Leaders Can Build Realistic Optimism This Year
As part of cleaning off my plate, I forced myself to make a list of the five things that bring me the most joy in my job. The list included one-to-one meetings with my direct reports, proudly representing the district in different capacities, data talks, coaching my leadership team through difficult situations, and spending time investing in my board of education.
Then I intentionally rerouted my calendar for two weeks to dump as much joy—those five activities—into my day as possible. It worked.
What happened by default was that I spent less time on the distractions that were not only a time sink but also an emotional drain. It turns out the very loud minority of people who were making my job very difficult didn’t deserve the attention and cognitive space I was giving them.
Thanks for taking the time to read this newsletter.
It would mean the world to me if you could share it with one person each week. We all get one chance to live a life of passion and purpose. Help me maximize my one at-bat.