I write and talk about Blame, Complain, and Defend behavior ALL.THE.TIME.
A quick search of my newsletters from the past 18 months show that I have referenced it four times. I thought it time to dedicate an entire newsletter to it for a very important reason. After years of talking about this, lecturing my kids, and frequently using my son’s car-talk after a basketball game as an example of BCD behavior – he FLIPPED THE SCRIPT on me.
For those not familiar with BCD, it is both a verbal and psychological pattern when we are resisting change, truth, or feelings of inadequacy. It happens incredibly frequently and typically follows the same pattern each time – blame, complain, and defend.
Unfortunately for those reading this, once you look for it you will see it consistently. I often give the examples of coaching teens and watching cable news – in both cases it is BCD-city. While there are hundreds of examples looking outward, the point is to look inward. Once we look inward and identify it in ourselves, we get to proactively remind ourselves to take agency in our own life.
I have worked hard at eliminating this from my vernacular and thought patterns, and I think I am pretty good at it typically, but . . .
After a workout, my sweaty hands could not open a bottle of barbeque sauce with the safety plastic-thing (technical term) on top. My oldest son, Jameson, reached over and removed it with ease. I tried to explain that my hands were sweaty and greasy and, and, and — he stopped me and said that sounds like BCD to me.
It was a great call out. A great reminder to me that even when it seems like young people are not listening, they are ALWAYS listening. Moreover, it was a call to action to revisit BCD for everyone.
Blame
Blame simply allows us to remove ownership from what we perceive as a negative situation and give it to someone or something else. It allows us to remove any feelings of inadequacy or ineffectiveness. When someone is willing to blame someone else for an emotion they are presenting an external locus of control. They are, in essence, giving their boss, co-worker, community members, or a bottle of barbeque sauce/greasy hands control.
Complain
Complaining takes so much energy and has solved no problems – ever. Typically, complaints fall into one of two domains: “Who moved my cheese” or “They should walk a mile in my shoes.” Who moved my cheese statements usually show discontent with a lack of control over a situation, particularly when complete control was once perceived. On the other hand, the walk a mile in my shoes commentary is usually reserved for lamenting that whoever is making the decision or making the person feel a way they do not want to must lack perspective.
Defend
Almost always, when someone is exhibiting behavior that blames others and complains about the current reality, a defense is inherently made for the person’s original behavior. Typically, when someone is not happy with the direction something is moving it becomes easier to dig in and show why what you are doing was correct in the first place.
Simply put, BCD behavior is antithetical to change and progress. If you want to facilitate positive change in your organization or in your life, work hard to expel BCD behavior from yourself and those around you.
REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS TO GUIDE SOME THINKING
- What problems are you currently admiring instead of seeking solutions? In these situations, how are you BCDing?
- In which areas of your life are you currently accepting the status quo and resistant to change?
- For what things do you believe you have an internal locus of control and for what things do you have an external locus of control?
- Why are you resisting feedback that is consistent with having high expectations for your performance?
- Are you willing to take complete ownership of your life? If not, what is holding you back?
THE BEST THING I READ/WATCHED THIS WEEK
Originals by Adam Grant
This book is definitely worth reading. While not my favorite Adam Grant work (that is Think Again – which is all-time top 10 book for me) it is very good. He writes this in a very Gladwellian style (IYKYK) and it is easy to consume with tons of great vignettes supported by different academic studies.
RECENT PIECES OF MY WORK
NEW PODCAST
Anchored in Education with E. Scott England – The Unfinished Leader
WRITING
Leading a Digital Transformation – Ed Tech Magazine
NEW COURSE ON ED LEADERS NETWORK